Pinch of Sand

A little while ago, my dad was somewhat relieved to hear that the UK Parliament would not countenance the idea of President Trump addressing them in that forum this year. Needless to say, my dad told me, Trump will retaliate in his usual inappropriately childish manner and my dad then dug up the following press release, just to prove his point. I am not sure if it is all true as it seemed a little too convenient - but it does have that irritating ring of insanity which seems to pervade everything done by the president.

So it might be true but I take it all with a pinch of sand (as I am not allowed any additional salt in my diet). It is an unlikely story mainly because the town of Basildon is a very dull place with a lot of shuttered, empty shops and the least likely place in England to have anything like a finishing school for aristocratic debutants. The name of the reporter was also really suspicious, and so was my dad's manic grin.

"Due to Parliamentary House Speaker Bercow's insistence that President Trump would not be allowed to address Parliament, the White House has retaliated by contending that the President would still be addressing the British public in a forum befitting his status as Leader of the Free World.

Several venues close to London were proposed, ranging from Tweed Way Hall in Romford to Adventureland in Southend-on-Sea. On reviewing all the options, the President himself elected to speak to the great British public at the Towngate Theatre in Basildon. This was a wholly unexpected coup for the Mayor of Basildon Borough Council, Councillor David Harrison, who admitted that he thought it was just "a joke" when someone from the "CIA" called the council requesting to book the Towngate Theatre for President Trump's seminal speech in the UK. After establishing the veracity of the booking (using a method too secret to disclose but may have required the intervention of the Home Office and Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson), Councillor Harrison immediately requested a non-refundable deposit of £300 for the booking and suggested helpfully that the presidential entourage book either the Travelodge or Holiday Inn as soon as possible, although the Campanile also "had some nice rooms".

As to why President Trump selected Basildon as the venue for such an historic visit, nobody at Basildon Council had any idea, although Mrs Askwith suggested it could be because of the golf course at Clay Hill Road. Mrs Askwith is the jovial, friendly tea lady at the council offices who regularly dispenses watery tea and stale biscuits which she buys from Pitsea Market, according to staff who also warned us not to eat her sandwiches unless "you really want bellyache".

The visit will also mean the installation of metal detectors at the Towngate, which is about time according to the staff working in the modern complex. It seems that spoons, forks and knives brought in by staff for their lunch boxes are regularly "going missing" and many people thought it is high time that Mrs Askwith is required to go through some metal screening before she is allowed home.

The date of President Trump's visit to Basildon is still under tight wraps due to security concerns although every member of the council staff knows it will be on March 31 2018 (one year away from Britain's date to leave the EU). The owners of A&B Taxis have helpfully informed local residents to do their shopping earlier that week as they expect to be fully booked on that day ferrying CIA agents and presidential security staff around.

The council also announced that the square used for Basildon Market will be closed that week to allow for the news vans, satellite dishes and mobile studios expected to converge on the town. Greggs (the bakery chain) have proposed doing the catering for the event, offering a new "Presidential Sausage Roll" as snacks for sale at the Towngate Theatre on the evening of the President's speech. However, Basildon Council have said that it is too early to confirm catering arrangements for such a high visibility visit, the first time any President of the United States has ever set foot in Basildon.

As of date of publication, none of the above news has been officially verified, validated or confirmed by anyone."

Reporter: Joosy Nuws

The above is an extract of a news article which my dad found. But I am really not sure you should believe all of it, even though it looks quite convincing.

Pof the Pug


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